by Jonathan Swift

The following discourse between Gulliver, a Yahoo, and his master, a Houyhnhnm, appears in TRAVELS INTO SEVERAL NATIONS OF THE WORLD. by Lemuel Gulliver (London 1726).

There was another point which a little perplexed him at present. I had informed him, that some of our crew left their country on account of being ruined by Law; that I had already ex­plained the meaning of the word; but he was at a loss how it should come to pass, that the law which was intended for every man’s preservation, should be any man’s ruin. Therefore he desired to be farther satisfied what I meant bv law and the dispensers thereof, according to the present practice in my own country; because he thought nature and reason were sufficient guides for a reasonable animal. as we pretended to be. in show­ing us what we ought co do and what to avoid.

I assured his Honour, that law was a science wherein I had not much con­versed. further than by employing advocates, in vain, upon some injustices that had been done me: however. I would give him all the satisfaction I was able.

I said. there was a society of men among us, bred up from their youth in the art of proving by words multiplied for the purpose, chat white is black, and black is white, according as they are paid. To this society all the rest of the people are slaves. For example, if my neighbour hath a mind to mv cow he hires a lawyer to prove that he ought to have my cow from me. I must then hire another to defend my right, it being against all rules of law that my man should be allowed to speak for himself. Now in this case, I, who am the right owner, lie under two great disadvan­tages. First, my lawyer, being practised almost from his cradle in defending falsehood, is quite out of his element when he would be an advocate for justice, which as an office unnatural, he always attempts with great awkward-ness, if not with ill-will. The second disadvantage is, that my lawyer must proceed with great caution, or else he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his brethren, as one chat would lessen the practice of the law. And therefore I have but two methods to preserve my cow. The first is, to gain over my adversary’s lawyer with a double fee; who will then betray his client, by insinuating chat he hath justice on his side. The second way is for my lawyer to make my cause appear as un­just as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my adversary: and this if it be skillfully done, will certainly bespeak the favour of the bench.

Now, your Honour is to know, that these judges are persons appointed co decide all controversies of property, as well as for the trial of criminals and picked out from the most dextrous lawyers, who are grown old or lazy, and having been biassed all their lives against truth and equity, are under such a fatal necessity of favouring fraud, perjury, and oppression, that I .have known several of chem refuse a large bribe from the side where justice lay, rather than injure the faculty, by doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office. It is a maxim among these lawyers, that whatever hath been done before may legally be done again: and therefore they take special care to record all the decisions formerly made against common justice, and the general reason of mankind. These, under the name of precedents, they produce as authorities, to justify the most iniquitous opinions; and the judges never fail of directing accordingly.

In pleading, they studiously avoid entering into the merits of the cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious in dwell­ing upon all circumstances which are not to the purpose. For instance, in the case already mentioned: they never desire to know what claim or title my adversary hath to my cow; but whether the said cow were red or black; her horns long or short; whether the field I graze her in be round or square; whether she was milked at home or abroad; what diseases she is subject to, and the like; after which thev consult precedents, adjourn the cause from time to time, and in ten, twenty, or thirty years, come to an issue.

It is likewise co be observed, chat chis society hath a peculiar cant and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand, and wherein all their laws are written, which they take special care to multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very essence of truth and falsehood, of right and wrong; so that it will take thirty years to decide whether the field left me by my ancestors for six generations belongs to me, or to a stranger three hundred miles off.